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These are my last few weeks of being 22, 23 sounds very grown up and a lot more responsible. Although I’m not scared or freaked out, I am conscious that I am no longer a child, and I am no longer able to put off the things which I have been avoiding for five years. Yesterday I saw a picture of Croatia, and I got this pain because I wanted to just up sticks and make plans and see the world justonelasttime, but I knew I couldn’t. We own a home, we have career paths, I have a dog who battles to be without us for eight hours, never mind a month. And that brought a certain kind of freedom with it (panic also) that I have a path and a journey and I can’t deviate from that. I’ve been able to do my own thing for quite some time, and it initially felt all too soon and a little bit oh-my-god-what-have-i-done but now it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I have purpose and I have stuff to get done!

Anyway, back to the birthday situation. Every year I say I don’t want to do anything for my birthday, just want to keep it calm and quiet and just chill out, see a movie and nap. And every year I have a party instead. The past couple years we’ve known some lovely, lovely people through work and had a party with them, but this year we’ve kept our distance and I worry that if we do have a BBQ, that nobody will come. When I was 11 I had a big, big party and invited all my classmates, and not one person showed up. That hurts as a kid and transforms into a full blown point of anxiety as an adult. So maybe this year I will follow my plan and just relax and do almost nothing, and maybe I’ll have a BBQ just as excuse to make this gorgeous cake.